SAUL GOODMAN
Hi, I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? The constitution says you do! And so do I.
Today's your lucky day. Look around, kiddo - it's all yours. You are now the owner of this fine establishment. Free? Oh ladies, cover your ears. No... not free. Look, hey... this is a squeaky clean, highly profitable (at least potentially), local institution. Look the bottom with favor by the chamber of commerce, better business bureau at three-hundred and twelve thousand dollars, it's a steal.
Don't you get it? On the outside it's a nail salon right, on the inside it's the best money laundering a growing boy could ask for. Wait, wait! Come back here. Sit. Come on, come on... humor me here for a second. You know you need to launder your money, right? Do you understand the basics of it - placement, layering, integration. Well, you wanna stay out of jail don't ya? You wanna keep your money and your freedom. Cause I got three little letters for ya, I - R - S. If they can get Capone, they can get you.
Hey look, here's you right - pink... Pinkman, get it? Here's your cash. You're out on the town, yeah you're partying hardy, you're knocking boots with the chicky babes and aww! Who's this? It's the tax man and he's looking at you. And what does he see? He sees a young fella, big fancy house, unlimited cash supply and no job. Now what is the conclusion the tax man makes? Aaaaannnt! Wrong! Millions times worse - you're a tax cheat. What do they do? They take every penny and you go in the can for felony tax evasion. Ouch! What was your mistake? You didn't launder your money! Now, you give me your money, okay that's called placement.
Hand me that little thing, bin. This is the nail salon, right. I take your dirty money and I slip it into the salon's nice clean cash flow - that's called layering. Final step - integration. The revenues from the salon go to the owner - that's you! Your filthy drug money has been transformed into nice clean taxable income brought to you by a savvy investment in a thriving business. Yeah and if you wanna stay a criminal and not become say a convict, then maybe you should grow up and listen to your lawyer.
Look, let's crunch some numbers. How much money are we laundering? Yeah, apparently. All right, $16,000 laundered at 75 cents on the dollar, minus my fee, which is 17%, comes out to $9,960. Congratulations, you've just left your family a second hand Subaru.
Two words: nail, salon. It's perfect for money laundering, it's a high-volume, cash-preferred business with a discreet workforce. Nobody does mista-me-know-nothing better than Mrs. Mukjayaporn and her gals.
Did you not plan for this contingency? I mean the Starship Enterprise had a self-destruct button. I'm just saying. Yeah, you do seem to have a little 'shit creek' action going. Hey, nobody appreciates a passionate woman more than I do. But uh, in this business... and Walt can back me up on this... the uh, number one rule is, don't take things personally.
Drum roll, please. Wait for it. Lazer tag. Lazer tag! 7,000 square feet of rollicking fun in the heart of northern Bernalillo County! It adds up perfectly. Walt's a scientist, scientists love lazers. Plus, they got bumper boats, so...
Yeah! Attorney-client privilege. I mean, that's a big one. That's something I provide for you. If I give up Pinkman, well, then you're gonna be asking, 'Ol' Saul gives 'em up pretty easy. What's to keep him from giving me up?' Y'see, so, then where's the trust?
You want your criminal associate taken into police custody? We declare just enough so as to not arouse suspicion, so Walt's one time winnings becomes seed money for an investment. If you're committed enough, you can make any story work. I once told a woman I was Kevin Costner, and it worked because I believed it.
It is not a disaster. It's not a disaster, alright? She's not going to the cops, she's not telling a living soul. You wanna know why? One word: blowback. If she blabs, it'll be a disaster - for her. That DEA brother-in-law? Screwed! You were right under his nose. He'll be lucky if they let him bust glue sniffers at the hobby shop. The kids? Paging Dr. Phil! 'My daddy's a drug dealer and my mommy turned him in!' And the house? Gone! The feds will come in and RICO her and the kids out on the street. Good luck arguing with them on that, noooo. It's not gonna happen. She's bluffing. And she knows it.
Hello. Welcome. What a pleasure it is to have you. Just gonna call you Skyler if that's okay. It's a lovely name. It reminds me of the big, beautful sky. Walter always told me how lucky he was, prior to recent unfortunate events. Clearly his taste in women is the same as his taste in lawyers: only the very best with just the right amount of dirty.
Walter, I'm your lawyer. Anything you say to me is totally privileged. I'm not in the shakedown racket. I'm a lawyer. Even drug dealers need lawyers, right? Especially drug dealers.
No shit! Right now you're Fredo. But, y'know, with some sound advice and proper introductions, who knows? I'll tell you one thing: you've got the right product. Anything that gets the DEA's panties in this big a bunch, you're onto something special. And I would like to be a small and silent part of it. Food for thought, yeah? So if you want to make more money and keep the money that you make, better call Saul!
Better safe than sorry. That's my motto. Yeah, you do seem to have a little 'shit creek' action going. You know, FYI, you can buy a paddle. Did you not plan for this contingency? I mean the Starship Enterprise had a self-destruct button. I'm just saying.
Look, let's start with some tough love, alright? Ready for this? Here it goes: you two suck at peddling meth. Period. Good! 'Oh boo-hoo, I won't cook meth anymore!' You're a crybaby! Who needs you?! Hey, I'm unplugging the website, so no more money laundering! How do you like that?!
Great, perfect you know... this is just. I told her you were my A Team. Oh, hello Mrs. White, the good news is the IRS has been paid off, the bad news is... ach, Jesus!
What am I eighth grade hall monitor? Current whereabouts? Let me tell you something, Mike. There are rules to this lawyer thing. Attorney client privilege, that's a big one. That's something I provide for you! If I give up Pinkman, then you're gonna be asking, old Saul gives 'em up pretty easy what's to keep him from giving me up? You see, so then, where's the trust?
I caught my second wife screwing my stepdad. OK? It's a cruel world, Walt. Grow up.